My In-Laws Offered Us a House Deposit But Only If We Marry in Church

Money Dilemmas is where we talk about the tricky stuff - the conversations about money that live in the grey area between love, power, fairness, and everything in between.

Each story starts with a real member dilemma, the kind many of us have quietly wrestled with but rarely said out loud.

Because money isn’t simply transactional; it’s about what we value, what we tolerate, and what we’re taught to accept.

And at the end of every story, one of our co-founders weighs in - offering her two cents and best advice on how to navigate the dilemma.

The Dilemma

I hate admitting this, but I need to start with the honest bit.

I’m a scientist, and I’ve spent most of my adult life being quietly proud of how atheist I am.

I don’t just not believe in God, I genuinely struggle to take very religious people seriously.

I know how that sounds, but it’s true.

Faith has always felt irrational to me, and religion feels more cultural than real.

That’s why my current situation feels so uncomfortable.

My boyfriend and I live in London. We’re planning to get married at some point, but we’ve always imagined something small and very us.

Definitely not religious - or patriarchal. Buying a home here feels almost impossible. We both work, we save, and still it feels like the goalposts keep moving.

A few weeks ago, my partner’s parents offered us a house deposit. It’s a huge amount of money. The kind that could actually materialize our dreams of being a homeowners.

In London, that kind of help changes everything.

BUT there’s one condition - they want us to get married in a church.

Properly married. Ceremony and all.

My immediate reaction was panic, followed by resistance.

Standing in a church and making vows to God would feel fake and honestly a bit humiliating. Like I was performing something I don’t believe in for money.

It might sound dramatic, but it feels like selling a part of myself just to afford a flat.

My partner doesn’t see it the same way. He thinks it’s symbolic, mostly about tradition and keeping his parents happy.

He points out that this money would give us stability, maybe even children sooner than we planned. He’s not wrong.

And then I start doubting myself.

Maybe I’m being stubborn. Maybe this is just how the world works.

People compromise all the time, especially when money and family are involved.

And the truth is, without their help, I don’t know if we’ll ever afford a place of our own in this city.

What makes it even harder is that I do want a good relationship with my in-laws.

They’re generous and kind, and saying yes would probably make everything smoother. I can see how much this matters to them.

But I keep coming back to the same question.

What is the actual price of integrity? Is this a harmless compromise, or the start of a pattern where money quietly dictates decisions that should be personal?

I can see both sides so clearly, which somehow makes it worse.

I don’t know whether I’d regret saying yes more, or regret turning it down and watching our future stay stuck.

Camilla’s Take

Thank you for being this honest.

I really appreciate how clearly you’ve articulated something that’s uncomfortable to admit, especially when it touches religion, money, and identity.

I really understand why this feels so loaded. You’ve built a strong sense of self around rationality, science, and intellectual honesty.

Standing in a church and making vows you don’t believe in would feel fake and like you're putting on a performance for your friends and family.

At the same time, the financial reality you’re describing is very real. London makes these decisions brutal.

Help like this can change the entire financial trajectory of your lives. Wanting stability and a home doesn’t make you shallow or opportunistic.

This is perfectly normal and what most of us spend many years working towards without any guarantee of success.

Unfortunately, I can't answer this question for you.

Because ultimately, I would advice you to make the choice that will cause the least amount of resentment down the line.

I completely understand wanting to stay true to your values and beliefs, but just make sure that 10 years from now you wont regret either decision and end up wondering what might have been.

I know this is easier said than done, because either outcome is neutral, which is why this is such a genuine dilemma.

I’d also strongly encourage a very open conversation with your partner about boundaries before you make this decision.

If you do go ahead, there needs to be clarity that this is a one-off decision, not the beginning of ongoing expectations around how you live, raise children, or define your values.

A wedding ceremony should not quietly turn into a lifetime of religious strings you didn't agree to.

Try to be a little kinder to yourself as well. Compromise and integrity aren’t opposites, and neither choice makes you morally superior or compromised.

You’re navigating love, family dynamics and money in a city that gives young people very few ways to get on the property ladder without financial support.

Whatever you decide, choose the option you can live with long after the deposit is spent and the wedding photos are packed away.

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