I Paid £3,000 for a Bag My Mum Never Bought - Should I Say Something?

Money Dilemmas is where we talk about the tricky stuff - the conversations about money that live in the grey area between love, power, fairness, and everything in between.

Each story starts with a real member dilemma, the kind many of us have quietly wrestled with but rarely said out loud.

Because money isn’t simply transactional; it’s about what we value, what we tolerate, and what we’re taught to accept.

And at the end of every story, one of our co-founders weighs in - offering her two cents and best advice on how to navigate the dilemma.

The Dilemma

A couple of years ago, I borrowed a designer clutch from my mum to take to a wedding. Unfortunately, the bag was lost or stolen that night.

I felt terrible. I told her I’d replace it, but I’ll admit this upfront: I didn’t bring it up again for almost a year, which wasn’t great and something I do regret.

The bag was a Bottega Veneta clutch she’d bought about 15 years ago for around £900. It’s no longer made.

I found identical versions online second-hand and offered to buy one of those, but she seemed hesitant.

We talked about it a bit, then the subject just… disappeared. Life moved on.

Two years later, and a few weeks before my wedding, my mum called me and said she was going to Paris the next day to buy a replacement bag.

She asked if I could transfer £3,000 immediately, which is what the closest current version costs now.

The timing really shook me.

I was paying for my wedding myself, I was seven months pregnant with my first child, and I had a lot of expenses coming up.

When I hesitated, she said it was strange that I hadn’t put the money aside years ago, since she’d been without the bag all this time.

I ended up paying. I didn’t want conflict right before my wedding, and I just wanted it dealt with.

Here’s where it gets complicated.

She didn’t end up buying the bag.

She later told me that the situation had “ruined the bag for her,” so she decided not to get it after all.

She hasn’t offered to return any of the money, or even part of it.

It’s been six months and it still bothers me. Not just the money, but the way it was handled.

Money has always been a taboo subject in my family, something we all avoid talking about, which makes this feel even harder to raise.

For context, my mum is very well off. I’m by no means struggling, but £3,000 would make a real difference to my savings, especially with a baby.

Part of me feels petty for being annoyed.

Another part of me feels that this is a ridiculous situation.

My mom always sees things very black and white and if I raise it again there is no way around this being a huge conflict, which I am not sure I have the energy to deal with.

Do I bring it up again and risk escalating a conflict that has been put to rest, or do I let it go and move on with my life?

Camilla’s Take

Thank you for sharing this. I can really feel how uncomfortable this situation has been for you, especially with the timing and everything else going on in your life.

What stands out to me is that there are two separate issues tangled together here. The bag probably became a symbol for something much bigger, especially because money isn’t something your family talks about openly.

It’s also worth saying that you’ve already taken responsibility.

You offered to replace the bag.

You paid the £3,000 when she asked, even at a moment when that money mattered to you.

You didn’t avoid accountability, which I think is important to recognise.

Where it starts to feel unfair is that the money was taken for a replacement that never happened. If she had actually bought the bag, this would probably be easier to accept and move on from.

The fact that she didn’t, and hasn’t raised returning any of it, is what keeps this sitting uncomfortably with you.

I don’t think bringing it up now would be unreasonable.

It doesn’t have to be a confrontation. It can be as simple as saying that you’re still thinking about it and asking how she sees the situation, given that the bag was never bought.

You’re allowed to ask for clarity, even if money conversations feel awkward in your family.

At the same time, it’s also okay to decide that your peace is worth more than reopening this.

But if you do choose to let it go, try to do so consciously rather than swallowing resentment that will resurface later.

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