My Therapist Says I Use Money to Control People

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The Dilemma:

I’m 50, and my therapist recently told me something that I still can’t quite decide if I believe.

She said I use money to control people.

My first reaction was to laugh, not out of arrogance, just disbelief.

I’ve worked hard my whole life. I’ve built my career from nothing, made every penny myself, and I’ve always thought of my financial independence as one of the things I could feel proud of.

I don’t have children, and I never married. That wasn’t exactly by design, life just unfolded that way.

But I’ve done well enough, and I’ve always liked being able to help the people I love.

I’ve paid my sister’s rent when she was between jobs. I’ve treated friends to dinners, surprise weekends away, even covered the odd emergency bill when someone didn’t have the funds.

I never thought of it as control. I thought of it as being generous.

As making people’s lives a bit easier.

And honestly, it’s nice to feel useful. To feel like I matter in someone’s life.

But since my therapist said it, I can’t stop thinking about it.

Maybe there’s a small part of me that does like being the reliable one, the helper, the one people are grateful to.

And maybe I get a little hurt when they don’t seem to notice.

Still, isn’t that just human? If generosity gives me a sense of importance - if it’s how I stay connected in a life that’s a bit quieter than I once imagined - is that really so terrible?

I don’t know. I’ve worked hard, I’ve been careful, and now I finally have something to give.

I don’t want to feel guilty for that.

But I also can’t shake the thought that maybe my giving isn’t always as selfless as I thought it was.

Am I really trying to help people, or am I just afraid of what happens if I stop, if I’m no longer needed?

Camilla’s Take

What you’re describing isn’t selfish, it’s human. And I don’t think your therapist is entirely right to call it “control.”

What you’re describing sounds more like care, pride, and a longing to feel connected. You’ve worked for everything you have, and it’s natural to want to share that.

Especially when you don’t have children or a partner to pour your love and energy into, generosity becomes a way to express purpose - to make your presence felt.

That’s not manipulation; that’s meaning.

But here’s where your therapist’s point might hold a little truth: generosity can become tangled with expectation, even when the strings are invisible.

When you help someone, and then quietly feel disappointed that they didn’t respond the way you hoped. That’s not bad, but it is a sign there’s something unspoken attached.

My advice isn’t to stop being generous. It’s to make sure your giving stays clean, that it comes from choice, not from a need to be needed.

Try asking yourself, Am I doing this because it feels good in the moment, or because I hope it will make someone love me more?

There’s a big difference.

You’ve spent your life being the dependable one, the safe harbour. That’s a beautiful thing.

But you also deserve relationships that don’t depend on your reliability or your wallet. Let people show up for you too, even in small ways, and see how that feels.

True generosity doesn’t need repayment, but it also doesn’t mean erasing your own needs.

Give freely, but without those subconscious strings or silent expectations.

What do you think?

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