We’re Perfect on Paper But Money Is Ruining Our Relationship

Money Dilemmas is where we talk about the tricky stuff - the conversations about money that live in the grey area between love, power, fairness, and everything in between.

Each story starts with a real member dilemma, the kind many of us have quietly wrestled with but rarely said out loud.

Because money isn’t simply transactional; it’s about what we value, what we tolerate, and what we’re taught to accept.

And at the end of every story, one of our co-founders weighs in - offering her two cents and best advice on how to navigate the dilemma.

The Dilemma

I’m from Peru and my partner is German.

We’ve been together for two years, and on paper we’re a perfect match. We love the same things: surfing, music, travel.

We’re both very into crypto. I’ve honestly never met someone I’ve shared so many interests and views on how to live life with.

But almost since the beginning of our relationship, we’ve been fighting.

A lot.

At first it felt like we were arguing about everything.

Small things, big things, random things.

Recently, I’ve realised that almost all of it comes back to money, or more specifically how differently we think about money. And I’m starting to believe a lot of it comes down to cultural differences.

Here’s an example from just the past week.

My boyfriend quit his corporate job a few years ago because he wanted more flexibility and freedom. He now works freelance and earns significantly less than he used to.

Day to day, he’s basically living off his savings.

At the same time, he’s made a lot of money on crypto, so overall he’s actually much better off than I am.

Because of that, he’s extremely uncomfortable spending money on almost anything.

I, on the other hand, grew up without money and have struggled my whole life.

I worked my way up to a director-level salary and now earn really well.

I’m careful.

I save.

I invest.

I follow Female Invest closely.

But I also want to enjoy my money. I like staying in nice hotels when we travel.

I want to order another drink if I feel like it. If I want to buy a nice purse, I’ll buy it.

My boyfriend hates what he calls “unnecessary spending.”

He tracks every expense, is obsessed with saving, and despises luxury that isn’t practical.

He says he doesn’t mind spending money if it’s “worth it,” but nothing ever seems worth it to him.I constantly feel judged.

Like I have to justify every purchase.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living like a college kid on a gap year, even though I’m a 43-year-old woman with a serious job who’s built a life for herself.

There’s also another layer to this, and I’m embarrassed to admit it.

I find his attitude towards money extremely unsexy.

I’m used to my partners paying.

When we went out, when we travelled, when we met friends, my exes would cover the bill. They would buy me small gifts, flowers, little surprises.

Where I’m from, that’s normal.

With him, it feels almost unacceptable. I know it probably sounds old-fashioned, and I understand he needs to be careful with his money, but emotionally I’m really struggling with this.

I love him.

We’re aligned on so many things.

But money keeps creating tension, resentment, and a dynamic I don’t recognise myself in.

Is this something that can be worked through, or are we fundamentally incompatible when it comes to money and what it represents?

Camilla’s Take

Thank you for sharing this so honestly. I can really feel how confusing this is for you, especially because on so many levels this relationship looks like a dream.

Shared interests, shared lifestyle, shared ideas of freedom.

When that lines up, it’s incredibly powerful, which is exactly why this hurts as much as it does.

You’re not shallow or wrong for caring about money dynamics.

Money isn’t just money.

It’s culture, safety, power, desire, and how we show care for one another. When two people come from very different backgrounds, it can mean completely different things.

What I hear is that this isn’t really about hotels or handbags.

It’s about what money represents to each of you.

For him, saving and control seem tied to security.

For you, spending and generosity are tied to pleasure, progress, and feeling like an adult woman who has earned her life.

Neither of those is wrong, but they are very different.

There’s also an important imbalance here.

Even though he earns less day to day, he is financially much better off because of his crypto gains.

Yet you’re both living according to his discomfort around spending, not a shared middle ground.

Over time, that tends to create resentment.

And I’m glad you said the part you felt embarrassed about.

Attraction matters.

Feeling treated, surprised, and chosen is a real part of intimacy for many women.

When generosity disappears, attraction often follows.

That’s not something you can logic your way out of.

This is where I want to be very direct.

You can’t keep fighting about the same things without naming what’s actually non-negotiable for each of you.

You need to talk openly about what you are and aren’t willing to compromise on.

Very concretely.

For example, if staying in very nice hotels when you travel is important to you and too much for him, one option is that you pay for those and he agrees to enjoy them without judgment or commentary.

And the same goes the other way.

There will be things that matter deeply to him where you may need to compromise too.

But this only works if it’s explicit.

You need to dig deep and share very openly with each other.

Silent resentment, eye-rolling, or moralising each other’s spending will slowly poison the relationship.

If you map all of this out honestly and still find that your core needs clash, then this may not be a misunderstanding to work through.

It may be a values mismatch to take seriously.

You’re allowed to want a partner who enjoys life with you, not one who makes you feel judged for it.

And he’s allowed to want financial restraint and a partner who is 100% financially independent.

The question is whether there’s enough overlap to build a life that doesn’t make either of you feel small or resentful.

That’s a hard question, but avoiding it will only make the fights louder and the resentment deeper.

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